2004 May

The
Importance of Living, by Lin Yutang:

I've said it once, and I'm sure I'll say it thousand times more, Gone With The Wind is one of the Greatest movies of all time.

Being a southerner, I'm sure it touches my heart in a different way.
Nevertheless, my bias doesn't diminish the statement. I was lucky
enough to stumble upon the 65th anniversary screening at a nearby old movie house
and the thought of seeing Rhett court Scarlett on the big screen was
enough to make me squeal with delight to my partner-in-crime.

He, on the other hand,
wasn't as keen on seeing this beloved ol' movie again in this lifetime.
For him, watching this slow-moving evolution of the grandeur of the Old
South was worse than water torture. Compromise! We only stayed for the
first half (leaving shortly before intermission). I got to see Scarlett
- in all her fresh beauty - on the big screen for a glorious
hour-and-a-half… and he got Sushi afterwards.

At the end of the evening, we were both happy.

I have to ask you (who have seen the movie) what your thoughts are
of the relationship between the O'Haras and their servants? I have a
friend who says he refuses to watch the film over how the slaves were
treated and portrayed. My view is so completely different. I see the
character of Mammy as the strongest female “mother” character. Have you
ever noticed that she's the one who raised three generations of the
women in Scarlett's family? Have you noticed she's the one who was the
real Mom? She knew every turn of Scarlett's thoughts - even when
Scarlett played her own mother like a fiddle - it was Mammy who called
her out. I love how Mammy was sweet and stern; she spoke her thoughts
outright, and did it with love. So many women in the South aren't free
in that way, and aometimes I wonder if I am in 2004.

I believe my favorite “Mammy line” is in the scene where Scarlett is
crying on her bed because she's feels too young to have to wear black
and be in mourning over a man she married who she didn't love. Mammy's
in her room, straightening clothes, and all the while, Scarlett is
bleeding her heart out to her. Mrs. O'Hara enters and sees her crying.
She instantly thinks her “poor li'l daughter” is so distressed over the
death of her husband and goes to comfort her. Scarlett is partially
honest with her mother about not wanting to wear black. Her mother
suggests she take a trip to Savannah - or Atlanta to see Melanie (the
wife of the man she thinks she loves). Scarlett decides Atlanta is where she'll go.

Scarlett's mother kisses her and tells her to dry her eyes and
she'll go write the necessary letters to start the trip. Mammy is told
to pack Ms. Scarlett's bags. Once Mrs. O'Hara leaves, Mammy's motherly
instincts kick in and she lets out what weighs her heart down:
“Savannah would be better for you; you'll just get into trouble in
Atlanta.” Scarlett whimpers an innocent: “Why?” Mammy exclaims: “You
know why! Ashley be coming home to see Ms. Melanie - and you be there
waiting on him, like a spider!”

God, I pray that I, too, will (one day) be that kind of mother
-  the kind who sees her children through and through; the kind
who sees their actions coming to fruition before they do. Then
again, will that give me more wrinkles or a way to pass along wisdom?

I'd want the beauty and charm of Scarlett (and, of course, her
incessant fight for life). I'd want Melanie's heart and soul; it's the
most beautiful I've ever witnessed. Her charity and genuine nature is
unparalleled. I'd want the motherly instincts of Mammy, and the
forthrightness of her thought and way of communication with “her
children.” I can't forget about Belle Whatley! Would I be so crass
as to ask for her way of capturing a man's time? I'd also want her
integrity. She, too,  was a genuine soul - and there's much
beauty in that. Maybe the way she spent her time with those
“gentlemen” wasn't always lady-like, but she was a true friend and
listened to all of their stories (and had heart enough to help the very
women who scorned her). Now that's a true display of integrity and heart.

For those of you who haven't seen Gone With the Wind, run
(don't walk) to the nearest video rental store and get a copy. Turn off
the phone, cuddle up on the couch with a pop and some chips, and get
ready for wonderful ride through every emotion that life has to offer.
It's a definite five-star movie (and worth every minute).

So, are you wondering how I could just watch half of the movie and
be satisfied? The answer lies in what I'm currently
reading: The Importance of Living, by Lin Yutang. It's so important, I believe it merits a completely separate entry here.

This weekend has been eventful. Friday was so busy at work, there was no time to think. Saturday was recuperation day - also had to take back some duds that didn't fit. I picked up files in the afternoon (twenty-one of 'em). This is impossible.

It's Sunday evening now and I still haven't started them. Ugh, it's like I have NO life. I'm a machine - a funding machine that eats occasionally and takes naps in between the check-in and funding of files. I'm seriously thinking of making a major change in career. I need to start working smart, and not just hard. Honestly, I'm not even sure that's a possibility at a corporate job. I want to believe that, though. I want to be a part of the team - but PEOPLE, I want a life, too. Can't we make money and still have time to make our own dinner?

I'm so tired of eating out. Even the “expensive” food all starts to taste the same. Sometimes, I just want to make a silly pot of Hamburger Helper or stuffed green peppers. Am I really spending my time wisely - working every night until Midnight?! It seems like a vicious cycle. I work so hard to make money - to feel like I'm a part of a company that does some amount of good. The reality is: if you divide the money I make by the hours I put in and subtract all the take-out I have to order / eat to get the “job” done. Well, I'm not really making that much money, and I'm not feeling very “helped” by the wonderful company I work for.

I swear it's a dichotomy I can't fiigure out. Am I a sucker to believe that I can make a difference in the way things are done in a corporation? I WANT to love my job. I WANT to help people, and not lose myself in that work. Am I asking for too much? I feel like a puppet some days - and a warrior on others… FREAK on a LEASH! Or, at least that's how I feel tonight.

My store-bought stroganoff was comforting this evening. Now I'll go work 'til I'm too tired to think. Tomorrow, my supervisor will give me his company credit card to buy sushi for dinner since I “won't be able to leave until all the work is done so that someone else can make hella wads of commission and I make much, much, much less.” I'll probably pick the toro sashimi because it's the most expensive fish in the ocean (and I'll feel like a sell-out because my time is worth more than 25-45 dollars an hour and food). Ugh, the silly predicaments we get ourselves into.

How did I get here, anyway? If you got this far, I truly thank you for listening to / reading my ramblings. It's cathartic for me to get this shit out of my head, even if nothing comes of it. I'll know I at least thought about it - and I need to think about it some more.

How is YOUR job? Do YOU ever feel the pull of both directions? Do you ask yourself: “Should I stay or should I go?” Darling, you gotta let me know. “Should I venture out on my own? I know I can do this better!”

I swear, even after all that, I'm thankful to have the ability to even ask these questions of myself. The fact that I have the right to share all of these feelings and thoughts with the world is something I cherish and respect.

We must always question ourselves and our motives. Are you happy with how you spend your time? I want to be happy with how I divide mine and where and with whom I spend it. A good attitude is imperative - yet anger and questioning are a part of reality we must learn how to harness. Now, the next question is: where to start? And How? That's two questions. Oops. Sue me.

We shall see soon… very soon. :)

Whew, work is really starting to get to me. I'm so tired. These 12-13
hour days are not cutting it. Nonetheless, I want to break my funding
numbers and fund more than I did last month. Ugh… I put this pressure
on myself.

Today was a huge day for me. 21 Funded loans for a total of
$4,897,342.00 - YEAH BABY. I kicked some serious ASS today! I still
have about fourteen files to review and I'm pooped. I think it's time
to go home and get some lovin'. Whatcha think? Yes, you're right -
that's the only way I'm going to make it in tomorrow at 6AM to get
started. The mortgage business is booming… and kicking my booty. LOL!
Can anyone say 'SUB PRIME MARKET?'

I'm trying to have a good attitude, this is about TEAMWORK. Did I
mention they are taking the whole company to Vegas because we have
broke so many funding records?  July… Vegas… sleep all day and
party all night? Definitely - it's going to be 110 degrees. LOL!